A letter to MY kids about parent coaching

Sat, 03 Aug 2024 17:45:46 GMT

A behind the scenes peek at a conversation I had with my own kids about starting this business...

Dear Tate, Toby & Delaney,

I’ve never written a book (yet), but if starting a parent coaching business is like writing a book, and it feels like it might be, I think it would deserve this dedication on the front page:

This business is dedicated to my 3 fabulous, unique, extroverted, introverted, challenging, spicy, sparkly, creative, hilarious, strong, sensitive, brilliant, & perfectly imperfect children…and their children, and their children’s children, & all the generations to come:

I see you. I hear you. I’m here to comfort you. I accept you. I will protect you. You can count on me. You are safe with me. I’m praying for you. I love you no matter what. I’m sorry for the mistakes I made that hurt your little selves. I'm sorry I ever made you feel anything other than safe with me. I wish I could magically go back & do better. Thank you for allowing me a do-over to do better since then. (& more gratitude for all the do-overs both ways between us so far & the do-overs to come.)

Thank you for helping me learn, grow & heal. I couldn’t do any of this without you. I’m dedicated to repair & building a lasting connection with you because you are worth it! You matter so much to me. I love you each so much - just as you are. Our relationship is so valuable to me. You are each God’s gifts to me. Life is messy & challenging & we are all imperfect humans. I’m so grateful we have each other on this journey.

I’m so proud of each of you & beyond proud to be your mom. You are simply delightful.

So much love & so many blessings,

Mom

P.S. My commitment to you, my 3 children, in this job is this: to honor you. I will not disparage or disrespect you as I share parts of our journey with the world. Thank you for giving me permission to be authentic. Sharing stories matters. Vulnerability opens the door for healing. If I ever share something that’s not in alignment with this commitment, please let me know. I'll apologize & repair, like we do. Love you always and no matter what.❤️❤️❤️

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 20:02:52 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.

becky-alfred

A letter to MY kids about parent coaching

A behind the scenes peek at a conversation I had with my own kids about starting this business...

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.